Literal Lenny, Literally

Literal Lenny took everything by the value of its face, a face might have well have been an arithmetical equation as far as Literal Lenny was concerned. He saw everything as being the sum of all its parts and everything just added up to exactly what is was worth, no less, not more, no leftovers or leftunders. Consistent. To the penny. Literal Lenny said everything he meant and meant everything he said. When he was out painting the town the color red with a dame, he sported his 9 inch x 3/8 inch high density polyester roller with a certain pride - and like the gentleman Lenny absolutively was - walked his date  home, all the way to her door at eleven o'clock after a night of painting the town red, bowling, dinner and a movie, and the dame that he accompanied to this night of bowling, dinner and a movie - just as the other dames he shared such convivial moments with -  would more often than not  and with spectacular brio - invite Literal Lenny upstairs for that universal offering -  the night cap. Oh Lenny, ever the diplomat did accept these offers but was often left with one agape kisser, flummoxed and frantically scratching his head as he pondered why his current date as fetching as she may have been, would make the invite that more appealing but why oh why had she asked him to come up for a night cap when Lenny didn't notice the slightest lick of liquor anywhere in her joint. And there was often the other types of occasions after a night of dancing in endorphins-fueled abandon with his designated filly at the Moonlight Ballroom that Lenny was asked up for a steamin' cup of Joe and a slice of Entenmann's brand Cheese Crumb Babka  - but how convenient was it that nary a grind or a crumb of a store-bought cake was in the little lady's kitchen cupboard. Second Date ?- No . In Lenny's world people ought to say what they do and do what they say after all.

More than one way to skin a cat?

Literal Lenny, though he never saw anyone committing such a contemptible act as that - wondered how there could
 be so many imperviously cruel people, even though this was decades, some forty-five years before PETA came into the picture, people oughtta have known right from wrong and  how could select individuals have had such very little compunctions about skinning felines and in more than one manner at that. He knew to keep well away from that reference thankfully even with his lack of grey matter understanding because Literal Lenny so did have a big ol' soft spot in his heart for all four-legged beings, even if all the fellars Lenny was acquainted with at Fast Johnny's tavern thought it none too manly to take such shine to little foo-foo house-pets and Literal Lenny was negative on the fondness front for engaging in any such contretemps, an incident that may have well resulted in a broken beezer and kept his philanthropy for puddycats and poodles all to his lonesome.

Lenny knew that he should never watch his kettle, for pots don't really like having voyeurs do they ?And as a rightful reward for Lenny giving his kettle some much-needed space, tried and true - his cups arrived efficiently and at the appropriate heat setting thus never ever not even the once was Lenny tardy - he even made employee history - Literal Lenny was never, not the once absent or tardy, for  he showed up right on clock each and every day for his Eight O'clock in the morning shift at The Everlast Fabric Company, no Lenny would never mar his record on the account of being belabored by an unruly teapot.

In 1950, Literal Lenny retired from the Everlast Company, he was exactly sixty-five years old to the day and gee, that's the age you oughta be when you retire, not fifty-five or eighty-two; and Lenny decided he had more than enough of living in the township of Scranton, Pennsylvania and although the grass may have been greener it was only greener because Len had invented an early form of Astroturf , consequently as a result of Lenny never patenting his invention - would receive no credit for such but peculiarly or maybe not so peculiarly, Astroturf would surface one year after Literal Lenny's demise. 

And yes although Lenny believed his whole life in the credo that one can catch more flies with honey than vinegar and though he really didn't have much desire to preserve in his pantry these jars of honey once some mighty inclined flies took residence, he would keep hold of his vinegar, for it's perennial shelf life would accommodate Methuselah's tortoise and he was a Great Depression alma mater after all.  Lenny's life was not without its fair share of troubles and strifes but Lenny was as optimistic as he was verbatim about all things, held on for dear life with the  belief that it doesn't rain every day  and it was high time Lenny would require a change of pace, new scenery - did I mention Literal Lenny moved to Seattle - each year there are still seventy-one days out of  the three-hundred and sixty five of  pure unadulterated sunshine there. literally.